The Naked Crime Writer

Here's an interesting scenario for you. A small independent production company approached me and said that they had been commissioned to produce a documentary for Channel 4 called 'The Daily Life of a Crime Writer.' They want to send a movie crew to my house for my movie, follow me and catch a movie of what I do every day. Well, I warned them - it might be a bit boring. I mean, I write every day, so they can find me sitting at my kitchen table, emptying the scrapbook and pieces of paper as I start planning my latest novel. Or they might see me shaking my keyboard as I navigate my way through new chapters. Or they could notice me looking out of the window, as I miss and try to create new characters or scene thieves, or the edge of a cliff. So where's the fun? 'Ah, but Mike,' they say, 'we'll probably show you on the desk, or the keyboard, or in the window, but the interesting thing for Channel 4 viewers - you'll be naked.'

According to them, I'm a Naturist. People have told them that I love to walk around the house in the nude, and when I am on vacation, I prefer to resort to having a beach of 'Choice Apparel'. And I belong to a club in the North West of England where I can sunbathe without clothes, even in the cold of winter, among friends, and family with the same philosophy, and I take my leave abroad at hotels and farmsteads who have understood the priorities of 'No Clothing'.

My first question is: how do they know?

More importantly, is this the only reason Channel 4 exists? Well, apparently, fighting and tantalizing seem to be the only reason for existence. They have a recent program that is all about 'body image', and they put together a collection of tall, short, fat and thin people who are dissatisfied with the way they look. The result of a few weeks' discussion was that all participants were stripped and ran down the beach to the freezing sea. Some entertainment! What a success for psychological therapy. What treats the audience.

I thought it was terrible, but something was really bad recently. There is a dating program on Channel 4 that involves one person choosing a date from half a dozen competitors. The catch is that voters can't see everyone - until the end. No, they have to make their choices by looking at different parts of the body, which are sectioned by the naked part, until they are fully exposed - completely nude.

Is that not fair, or not? Today's hatred is expressed by Anna Richardson. A few years ago she presented another program for Channel 4. It was called 'The Sex Education Show'. That always seems strange to me. She went to various high schools and gathered in the middle room and talked to them about sexual matters. Weird? Why, according to the national newspaper 'The Daily Mail', teenagers today know everyone knows about such things, thanks to years of Sex Education classes in schools. If they had such an education, I wonder why they need Channel 4? As is obvious, they need it. Kids have been invited to ask questions and they definitely do - the most basic and simple things. It is clear that they do not know much. Don't they get Sex Education at their school? No, it's not part of the National Curriculum and when funding for schools is cut, year after year, fripperies are the first to go.

Shame, Anna Richardson makes fun of their ignorance. I remember a poor man asking questions, with shame. Her classmates around her were shocked to use the word 'coarse'. Anna looks down from the platform and laughs at her. It's terrible. So, given this horrific history, it's not unbelievable that Channel 4 may have decided that my turn was fun, and sent the movie crew to shame me. Why not? It might tickle the audience.

There's only one problem with their latest grip on insults. How do they know I'm a magician? I didn't tell them. One of my friends was left slipping? I told them first? Well, dear reader, how can you be trusted? You see, I'm a Criminal Writer - and that process was for me twenty-four seven. I'm a story teller. If you ask me a question, you might think I can turn off the 'Story' mode. and immediately move to 'Factual' mode? Maybe, maybe not. Like, if you ask me: 'Mike, tell me about your early life' and I replied: "Well, I was born in County Cork, South Ireland in 1974, one of nine children, and my father was a fisherman", how do you know any of that?

Dear readers, how can you expect me to turn off my story Writing genes?

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